SO EXCITED!!!!!

So this is it! Today I'm going home! Ok I'm more excited than I should be... Cause things always get shitty really fast when I'm home... But I like to hope everytime that maybe it will be different...

On the homefront. Casanova told me yesterday that she's gonna miss me...Then ended up on the phone with me for like 2-3 hours while I ran all my errands. Yet I started thinking about it... She has no reason to miss me... We see each other every other week (try for every week but never works out) and I'll be back before then. But none the less its the thought that counts.

I am however gonna miss Stinky like a mofo while I'm gone... Though it does help my seperation anxiety that the words BLAH BLAH BLAH actually came out of his mouth last night. I asked him where he got that, and he told me one of the kids at school. In fact one of the kids that I know, and while I didn't think about it then... I wonder where that kid got it??? Perhaps disrespectful parents??? Maybe at hip hop dance class??? What is this world doing to our children???

For My Mommy

So I grew up in Minnesota... I was raised by a single mother who always taught me that I could do anything I want to. She was an activist and an individual and the strongest woman I have ever met.

Now that I live in Chicago... And take care of Stinky... I realize how different my life is. I am 23. When my mom was 24 she was pregnant with me. And she was getting ready to speak at the united nations. She had organized unions and fought against the south African apartheid. I know that I am not my mom. But I look at my own life and I am in awe of her. While I too have stood up for what I believe in, I have never done it with the unending passion that my mom did.

Now my mom is an advocate for people that cant always stand up for themselves... and she still does it with unending passion and incredible strength. I wish sometimes though i could get her to be more proactive in her own life to claim what she deserves.

she deserves someone better than my stepdad.
she deserves somewhere she can be proud to call home.
she deserves to be able to sleep at night without worrying about money.

Thursday Thirteen....

So I never do this... But since I'm gonna be gone... I thought I would leave you all with a list of 13 things I'm gonna do while I'm in Minneapolis...

1- the Lucys party... There used to be this awesome club that got sold and now every last Thursday they run it as Lucys the ultimate lesbian bar! So excited
2- Watch movies with Cakes
3- meet my nephew Hunter
4- go to a show with my god brother
5- See my sister Candy!!!
6- spend time with the rest of my family
7- See the drag show at the gay 90s
8- visit old teachers at my highschool
9- eat some home cooked food
10-Free Drinks at the American with the old crew
11- Dancing at the townhouse
12- meet all the new girlfriends
13- RELAX

How have I not mentioned this yet!!!!

So... Tomorrow I leave Chicago to spend a week in Minneapolis, Minnesota (see right) with my friends and family... I cant believe I haven't blogged about this yet... So on that note... My blog will be regularly updated by a darling friend (with my premade posts and a little side comment on the trip from her) and if I find a computer with access in MN I will be sure to drop by and say something remarkable..

I'm not entirely sure how this trip will go... Christmas was ok... No major drama just the usual little crap... But now... Well everything has changed since I've last been home... People have broken up with long time partners and then met new people... And blah blah blah....

After living in Chicago for two years I cant help but look at that picture and think how tiny it is... But there is a whole lot of love waiting there for me.... So as of tomorrow at one... I'm on my way home....

Stupid I Pod... And thinking too much....

So last night I did see Casanova... And that is all I will say about that *soft smile*. But riding the bus home at 10:30 I had my I pod blasting in my ears... And by some cruel stroke of fate ever song that it shuffled brought back memories of a girl... Or a time where there was a lot of hurt... Lets run through the track list...

Take You With Me by Melissa Etheridge (Punk Ass)

Wide Open Spaces by Dixie Chicks (the burnsville apartment)

God Bless This Broken Road by Rascal Flats (Pickle)

Bring Me To Life by Evanessence (Georgia)

Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects (Casanova)

One Wish by RayJ (the bastard)

here's To The Night by Eve6 (Poppy Ann)

Let Me Go by Matchbox20 (PA)

All these songs brought back such intense memories... And I realized that they are all gone... The moments, the places, the people, the time... And I am left with a life that is completely disconnected from the past I have lived. Yet the person I am in this time and place is a direct reflection of all that came before.

So what do I owe to them? How much anger is allowable? How much love is understandable? Why have I been so introspective lately...

On another note... I am supposed to go to Minnesota for a visit Wednesday... However. My entire family has influenza, so unless I find another place to stay I am going to forgo my airfare and stay home.

Though this is a much needed vacation, and my friends have some much needed hugs for me. NOT TO MENTION!!!! I found out yesterday that I have a new nephew I didn't know about!!!! One of my "sisters" who I had lost touch with found me online the other day and left me a message! So I talked to her yesterday... My nephew is 5 months old and his big sister who I haven't seen in a couple of years is 4 now!!!! They grow up so fast...

Gotta love GOOGLE

So tonight after the much successful pirate party... A group of select adults (P, Cynic, "the boy next door" (tbnd) and myself) have been sitting around sipping beer and talking and just being odd birds... Tonight's adventure google images....

SOME THINGS SEARCHED
Angelina Jolie
Katherine Moening
Charlize Theron
Salma Hayek
Some hot Indian girl
"shaved"
Pregnant Woman
Michelle Rodriguez
MUSK RAT LOVE
and best... All of our names while most of these were boring and dull TBND came up with a creepy looking sex offender... In his innocence this freaked him out and cracked the rest of us up... He will never live this down...

On another note... Cynic and me discussed the ideal of "derogatory slang" and how certain groups have reclaimed these words as there own... Such as Dyke and faggot and queer... Yet other groups (the Latino and Asian communities) have kept these hateful words at bay... We mused for awhile wondering why this is...

Supposed to see Casanova tomorrow.... I hope... LOL

I saw the sign?

So today I've been thinking about this summer and the path that brought me to my present location. This summer I went through a really rough break up... Her name was Chris. The point at which we broke up was no surprise... It hadn't been a relationship for a long time. Rather we cohabited and occasionally had awkward sex. However the one thing she did passionately was kick me out... And that is how I came to live with P and Stinky (the first time)...
As if by some sublime destiny there was a giant billboard right outside our patio advertising UPN's new comedy.... In giant letters it read "Everybody Hates Chris". It was there like a beacon in this time of need...It was one of those things that was so absurd that you cant make it up...
I wonder sometimes if other peoples lives take on this surreal quality or it is just me. I sit back and look over the characters of my life, Stinky, P, Slinkster, Casanova, Giggles, Pickle and PunkAss and a plethora of others that never make it into my blog tales, as I think of them I cant help but question if we are really that eclectic or if perhaps the world is just this crazy?

What do you think????

What do I say???

As I write this I am sitting on the phone with Casanova... She is watching porn... I have spent the day at the state ID place waiting to get my address changed... Ummmm its hard to write about anything of consequence right now... Not to mention there isn't much to write about...

Lately Casanova and I have begun to actually talk rather than just text message all day... She makes me laugh... I wish I knew what to say about this... I wish I had some sort of enlightenment but for now I am just enjoying her for all she is...

On another note... I have a date tonight with Giggles...

I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about these two girls in the way that I do... But I do... Fact is I am 23.. I'm young... Why do I feel the pressure to rush into something and settle down with just one person...

Casanova and Giggles are two totally different people... And they both make me laugh and smile. I don't know....

Any thoughts....

Casanova

When twilight merely remains.
and amber eyes glisten
like secrets in the shadows.
I'll be your ommission.
a lover at midnight
security come dawn
but simply me in the light.

Destiny???

So yesterday I posted on Craigslist in the women seeking women section... It was a piece of prose I had written about all the women that have hurt me (read it here)... I was shocked that I actually received responses! More specifically a response from this one girl who we are gonna call Giggles... See I had been talking to Giggles this summer around the same time I met Pickle... And Giggles and I always had the most profound conversations... But lets just say she's not very good at keeping in touch... So last night... We talked... And soon we are gonna go off on an adventure... To read used books, smoke too many cigarettes and muse about life over beer... Damn she is something else... I wonder if she knows I have a crush on her... LOL

So on another note... I was supposed to get together with Casanova last night but she got busy... She seems actually sorry today... But I'm a little weary... I know I should not be getting emotionally attached to this girl...

On a much more intellectual and non hormonal note... I read "The Coldest Winter Ever" yesterday... (yes yesterday I read the 500 page book cover to cover). Its this awe inspiring ghetto novel... Yeah I know.... Your thinking... Ummmmm why is she reading a ghetto novel... Well it mostly stems back to Casanova and her teacher recommending it and me wanting to check it out and getting sucked into the first 3 pages on Amazon.... But I must say... Powerful read.... Check it out if your in the mood for something different...

Monkey is To Artist As I am To Writer....

Black and Magenta scrape across the empty canvas, in violent and mindless patterns. The chimpanzee sits by chewing on the paint brush and smiling an oblivious magenta grin.

This is not art.Or is it.

A young girl babbles along the keys of her computer trying to make sense of the emotions that run rampant in her mind. She sits in the glow of the screen tears staining her cheeks with a mournful expression.

This is not writing.Or is it.

Author Robert Coles has long pondered the question, "or is it", by questioning the ideal of human actuality. Coles presents the notion that every moment and idea appears differently to different individuals based on experiences and feelings.Subsequently who is to say that what the chimpanzee creates is not art? Who are we to decide what is art in the first place.In pondering this thought, I asked a friend "what keeps a chimp with a paintbrush from being an artist?" her answer was quick and concise and simple. "he does not know that he is creating art". This posed an entirely new question? How do we know he does not know he is creating art? How do we know what he is thinking or feeling? How do we define art, and is this definition the right one? How do we know what is RIGHT?

Perhaps were we to stop looking so deeply for answers we would see that sometimes its the questions that teach us more. That perhaps that silly chimp chewing on a paintbrush does know more than us. He knows to just accept the color for what it is. To create with out trying to define.

Some Kind of Wonderful.

Today was a wonderful day... Here's why...

1) The girl... I don't know. But I think she might like me *silly grin* been text messaging all day... We shall see... I would love to rhapsodize about her... Tell you how beautiful she is and how I feel so comfortable with her... But at the same time I want to hold all the thoughts of her close to me, so as not to tempt fate. So as to not have to share her.

2) Subway. I had an amazing subway sandwich for lunch... With a Tab energy drink.

3) Babysat for 4 hours... Kid slept 3 and a half of them... Easy cash. Not to mention he is SUPER cute!

4) Myopic Books I seriously spent like 3 hours in the used book store... At least two of them curled up on a seventies couch with a cat names Lenny reading about the holocaust and correction officers and a forty four year old crack addict... While text messaging with the amazing girl... Something magical about curling up with all those books and an endless possibility of what you can read about... I think I found my new heaven. OH! And I bought an old favorite from highschool today for $3.50!

5) I'm gonna go take a bath right now! With candles and lavender bath salts!

She Loves Me.... She Loves Me Not???

A text message conversation:
*Tell me a secret?
*I got a crush on someone.
*who?
*Uh uh thats another secret!
*No tell me!
*NO
*Y?
* Like you don't already know!
*is it me?
*I'm ignoring that last message.
*Y?
*Come on! Can you tell me you don't honestly know?
* yes. I don't know
* LIAR. LIAR. LIAR.
*why u calling me a liar?
* ARGH! its u.

Not verbatim... But close... Girls! ARGH! I feel like i'm in middle school... CIRCLE YES OR NO! so then i started thinking about why i like her (that and she asked). And i came to the conclusion that it isnt the physical stuff... Its the respect. and the comfort level. and that she listens to me when i talk. though those amazing eyes and soft skin help matters out. Really what i adore is her. Hmmm she loves me.... she loves me not. only time will tell....

One Fish, Two Fish. Green fish, Go Fish.

Well its been a few days since I posted but I've been super busy. Saturday was filled with family antics and Sunday with the South Side Irish parade. P made certain that me and Stinky were decked out in true Irish pride... The result... Stinky the lepropimp... I don't know what else to say about it... It was as always a wonderful time.

Last night I had a "date". And for the first time I realized that I am not as unjudgemental as I would like to believe. I still don't know if I am more bothered by the fact that I am guilty of this, or because I judged someone who didn't deserve it, who is in fact a remarkable person. Now I just need to sort through everything going on in my head and develop a plan of action.

So tonight. Family time. We are playing go fish.
P: Hey Stinky... You should hit me up for a seven.
*SMACK*
I cant remember the last time I laughed that hard at go fish...

So today I bought a beautiful amber ring. It was a $80 ring on super clearance... And totally stunning. But not my size so I took it to be sized. I met this amazing artist with a small jewelry repair studio. We talked and talked about jewelry, what it says about people, quality, the actual actions of making jewelry. It was nice.

I chose amber for a reason... It started out as simple tree sap... And time has made it into something precious... Time. Hopefully this ring can serve as a reminder that I just need to sit back and let time work its magic. One day at a time. No more rushing to make things happen.

This post was inevitable.

Women are NUTS. I used to believe that I was a hopeless romantic. Now I'm just hopeless. I believed that someday my "Romeo" was gonna ride up and take me away where we would live happily ever after, drinking beer, raising babies and waving our pride flag.

She would always be butch and handsome and I would always wear a ton of eye liner and flip flops. There would always be nights at the bar and we would find ourselves at home in the community...

Well... You know what. **** that. I want stability. I want a degree. I want love and passion yes... But I would gladly trade all the beautiful love poems in the world if I could find a girl not on mood stabilizers.

I mean really... Is it the lesbian community or is it just my generation? My age? Society? Could someone please tell me what's wrong with women? And by women I mean the cute butchy lesbians... You know the one you always mistake for a 15 year old boy. The tattooed, beer drinking, Levi wearing, spikey haired DYKES.

Recently I was completely disrespected by a butch lesbian that was pursuing my affections. This discomforted me more than the lewd comments and stares I receive from men everyday. Cause she is a woman (albeit a very masculine woman but none the less). She has ovaries, and a uterus, she knows what cramps are and the horrors of tampons. And yet she still chose to disrespect me based on my feminine identification. I felt VIOLATED.

It is a sad day when a woman can not be safe and respected even amongst other women. And I know it has always been sad like that. But I was naive. I thought perhaps we were better than that.

THANKS!!!!!!!

Hey everyone! Just a short little post before I head off to class! (yes that means some sociological rambling later) But for now I just wanted to thank everyone! LESS THAN 20 HITS AWAY FROM 1000 VIEWS! SCORE! My friends laugh at me cause I am so loyal to my blog. Cause I see everything in life as "blog fodder". But I am glad that you all keep coming back and thanks so much for the comments and supports...

But now I need to go find a sock to match the one on my foot already. (ok truthfully.... I don't care if it matches as long as it is close, meaning same color, roughly same style. Does that make me weird?????)

OH! and a Special thanks to both BLOG MAD and Blog Explosion and of course THE THINKER and P for their help and guidance....

Damn you woulda think i just won an oscar or something... I wonder if they are chocolate filled?

Chicago is Going Green...

And its not for Earth Day. St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner and this will be the first since I turned 21 two years ago that I can celebrate in true Irish style. And what better place to do so than in Chicago???? A city notorious for over doing everything. As always the festivities include dyeing the river green, the parade and lots and lots of beer... And I for one plan to be at the parade drinking beer like every other individual with even a smattering of Irish Heritage.

Now see I'm super excited for this year cause last year was a flop! It was my first St.Pattys day in Chicago and I was dating someone who was more Irish than me. So we went off to the parade... WITH HER MOM... AND NO BEER. And lawn chairs. And blankets. And NO BEER. And she fell asleep in the middle of the parade... And it sucked...

This year shalll be done right.
So on another note... My mouth is killing me. My wisdom tooth is a stubborn little bastard... And wants to come in yet again. It does not understand that there is NO room for it and it also doesn't understand that I don't have dental insurance...

This does worry me some, cause well this tooth does this all the time. However what if this is the time that it doesn't stop TRYING to come in (like its brother on the left side of my mouth did one thanksgiving) and I end up having to get it removed? How is that gonna go over? How am I gonna be able to afford that? Not to mention the hellish recovery I went through last time.

So since starting this blog I have not been nearly the shopping fanatic that I am usually. But a super bargain the other day does bear mentioning here. I found this spring/summer dress in a pretty black and green print, its a Nine West design. Original price tag: $129.00, Marked to original clearance: $83, The Rack's Price: $63, Clearance sticker: 75% off.... My price $17.41.... I am such a rock star.

YOU GET NOTHING!

So I went to write a blog about the coming festivities here in Chicago... Even found pictures... But Blogger wont let me upload them.... So you get nothing. On a new page... I am supposed to be writing a story for my creative writing class...

So far... Its like a paragraph. Though I do have a great concept... Characters Claire and Goldy. A little west side story plot idea... But in all honesty perhaps I will just follow them around and see where they take me...

So now I sit here in the dark... Waiting to get in the zone... Moody music on my I pod and a pensive look on my face... Is this enough to create something remarkable???

CONFESSION

I AM A GEEK

So yesterday was an interesting day. And it all leads back to me being a geek. Start the morning out with a fun trip to Bitty Basketball to watch Stinky become the next Lebron James (shout out to Today In Sports), well... Athletic time with a group of 4-6 year olds is ALWAYS a crack up. ALWAYS. This week was time to hand out birthday party invitations cause Stinky's party is coming up... And subsequently this involves small talk with parents. So me and P are sitting there chatting with one mom... She seems a little alarmed by our reading selections... P=serial killers. ME= Smashed (a memoir of drunken girlhood) Then randomly out of NOWHERE she turns to me and says... The coach is CUTE, maybe you should date him, i hear he's single. WTF! Scroll up and you will be reminded about the problem with this... I AM THE LESBIAN NANNY!

Hour later... Sitting in the kids hair salon.... Watching this woman with a one year old girl (super cute) swoon over her daughters first hair cut, she was like 6 months pregnant... And barbie... The woman and child had matching UGG boots and cracked me the hell up... I looked at this high maintenance woman and wondered if perhaps this is what is wrong with the world today or maybe there is just something wrong with me???

Hour later... Driving in shitty traffic the following conversation is heard when P brakes to avoid hitting the moron that swerved infront of us.

P: FUCKING IDIOT
ME: whoa... Language.
Stinky: You said Idiot Mommy.

WHAT THE HELL!

Enter Joann Fabrics: and my brilliant plan to learn to Crotchet... LOL.... This is not going so well... But I will update you as it develops for flops... Whichever....

Well Stinky wants to play on the computer. And I want a nap. So till later.

Word up dawg....

So today I was headed off to work at the call center... I was standing at the bus stop in the heart of downtown and there was this group of boys between 12 and 14, all Latino... They were sitting there showing each other how to form the hand signal for a common gang. This cracked me up....

I know WHY!?!?!?!

a- cause they looked like an Eddie Bauer ad! All proper. Not your street "thugs".
b- cause they thought they were so cool cause they knew how to "throw" this gang sign... I learned how to "throw" the same sign when I was about there age... 10 years ago.... In the suburbia of Minnesota

So. Next thought.

Attraction-

There are people in this world I'm not supposed to be attracted to. Simply cause our worlds clash. Because people will judge me based on my association with them. Maybe I am young and naive... But I think that's bullshit. So what if someone is punk, or thug, or prep, or jock. The fact remains that they are human. And further that people aren't jars... So why label them. I understand these labels tend to match their outward form of expression, but is it so foreign to understand that there is more to a person that that???

Maybe she's a thug.
Maybe he's a punk.
and maybe there are just as tired of being seen that way as I am of being seen as a smart white girl.

Feverish

So... Its been a few days since I updated. Monday was a little "busy" and then Tuesday I came down with the flu... Still have the flu... I've been thinking a lot about what to blog about... Even got a request for "the dirt" on the club. But no... I won't be releasing the dirt. SO then I thought about bloggin about what's on my mind... But no. I cant do that. I'm practicing discretion. So. What do I write about? I thought a list would be nice...

THINGS I LIKE WHEN I AM SICK

*someone stroking my hair

*aspercreme

*popsicles

*7up

*Being read kids books

*my favorite blankey

*my stuffed stitch

Well... That was pointless and rather dumb... I blame the fever...

So I like someone... And I know I shouldn't like her. And I know it wont go anywhere. But I do. I look at her sometimes and I wonder how I can possibly have thought my own life a struggle. I feel priveledged and sheltered, even though I have had a tough life. And subsequently... I want to hold her and kiss her and bring her soup when she's sick... But I wont... It will be just what it is... And that's ok...