All the world is a stage...

And the drama proves it. As of tonight. I am officially no longer a club promoter. And perhaps this is for the best. But I realized something important in my little adventure as a promoter. This isn't what I want for my life. I don't want to live at the club and ingest too much blue liquor...

Everything in moderation and eventually its time to admit that adulthood is inevitable.

I wont go into what happened. But lets just say... There are people that need to learn my lessons.

I wonder why I was so attached to this job. Well no I don't. It was the lights and the music... And being someone important. Back "home" I spent so much of my life being so and so's sister, or so and so's roommate. That I never had my own identity. Here I was special.

But do I really need a dance club to be special. Do I need to be drunk and smoke a million cigarettes to feel alive?

We shall see what develops. There is some fierce loyalty in the GLBT community.

So the mood lately has been a little sober around here... SO something a little lighter tonight.... "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" is quite possibly one of the most amusing pieces of literature I have had the joy of reading in a long long time. If you need something to make you laugh hysterically or at least chuckle... Totally check out this book.

On another note. Today was national TRIO day. Which means... Conference time... Which means... A bunch a highschool students that are NUTS and a handful of college students crammed onto a college campus attending workshops and speakers. Usually what I take away from this is the usual. Info on 4 year colleges, study tips, career ideas. This year, I attended a work shop called "the money bowl"... It was a lesson in "ethical dilemmas". The presenter placed 8 "dollars on the table in front of each team. He counted down and you had to snatch money. Whatever you got you kept and could use in the auction. However. At the end of every 30 second interval he would double what ever was left on the table. Well we ran a game plan as a team... Leave all the money till the last round and then snatch it, each man for themselves! Well 10 seconds into the game, the 13 year old smart ass grabbed it all... Then as the rest of the rounds went on... He babbled about how he was gonna win... And I tried to explain to him the concept of scarce resources, and cooperation, trust. Blah blah blah. Except he actually listened to me. And then told me I am smart. He was asking all sorts of questions about what its like to be in college, what I wanna be "when I grow up". It was in this moment that I realized that one of the gifts of the TRIO program was being put in the position to be a role model... Whether its to the talent search or upward bound kids or to other college student just entering the student support services.

These programs are so valuable to today's schools, the offer disabled, low income and first generation college students a chance to succeed in a environment that is both intellectually and financially challenging. Yet they are currently being threatened with extinction. God Bless George W.

Slut vs Stud

So its wednesday yet again. this means i sat through sociology. This means i have something profound to blog about. Todays musing.... THE DOUBLE STANDARD.

In todays climate sex is everywhere we look. Its on TV, and in ads, in fashion, even sports to a degree. Woman are blatanly drenched in expectations to express their sexuality, I mean look at music and swimsuits. It is becoming the norm to display blatant sexuality. To be SEXUAL. However. This is fine until a woman acts on the demonstration of her sexuality outside of a committed romantic relationship.

Then she is a slut. A whore. Trashy. Definetly not wife material.

However, place said man in same boat. Society does not expect him to clad himself in overly provacitive clothing. And when he demonstrates his sexuality outside of a committed relationship he is a stud. A pimp. A player. A ladies man.

WHY?

Is it because most of society is controlled by men? such as the media and the economy and the government?

Perhaps it is a statement on the acceptibility of the demonstration of male agression?

There is no denying that we have a vibrant service industry geared towards the sexual gratification of men. No city in america can claim to have NO PROSTITUTION. While this industry is still seen as immoral in the eyes of america, all too often in the critisim we are not belittling the men that utilize the services, but the women that provide the services.

If you look even deeper as we climb up the class system the sex workers change from hookers to call girls to escorts. The richer the patron the less hostile societys reaction to them becomes. Afterall. Men who use escorts are successful, they have "needs" but very little time to persue a romantic relationship, afterall they are the corner stones of our economy, our government, our country.

However. I am a woman who works hard, attends school, and presently is not "looking" for romantic attachements. Why am i not afforded the same understanding were i to seek having my "needs" met? Now i am in no way saying i am gonna become a customer of the sex industry. But i would like to know that i can find a no strings encounter with out being judged, with out knowing that if my activities weren't on the "down low" I would be labeled a Slut, despite the fact that i am a smart, attractive, ambitious woman.

just some food for thought.

*****disclaimer: i am not persuing a NSA encounter, just musing*******

One of those golden days

Today was one of those rare beautiful instances where everything starts to fall together perfectly. It was one of those days where I felt like a princess, Albert Einstein and a rockstar all at once...

For starters it is the 21st... RENT (the movie) was released on DVD, and instead of being broke, as I assumed I would be when I heard of the release, I was schealuded to participate in a focus group which was gonna pay $75 dollars... So I get up and get dressed... And throw on some clothes.... Take a bus... Get there fill out some forms... Eat a turkey sandwich... Text message with an extremely cute girl... And then POOF they call in the group... Except ME! Ok... Initially I was tripping a little... I mean... What no money?!?!?!?! But. Then the lady comes to explain to me that they always over schelude people and that I needed to wait ten minutes and if they were happy with the rest of the group I would be paid and free to go... Summary... I got paid $75 dollars to text message and eat a turkey sandwich.

I then proceeded to Borders to purchase RENT! Oh my god!!!!!!!! I can watch it everyday for the rest of my life!!!

Enter Stinky- I picked him up super early and we came home... He was SOOOOOO GOOD! We ate dinner together, and talked, and played computer games and did home work. After home work he looked at me and said "thank you my sweetheart". We had a couple rough spots where he was caught lieing or doing something he shouldn't but both times he accepted the punishments (one a time out and the other extra homework).

All in all it has been one of those blissfully amazing days. I hope I'm not disappointing you with the lack of chaos and angst in my life.

Though I was forced to speculate on how all these small simple things are so amazing today cause they were all clumped together. How often do we as people overlook the minor miracles in our life cause it was just one small thing that went right in the rest of the chaos? More importantly why do we have to treat the chaos as something bad... Perhaps we make mountains out of molehills. Perhaps life doesn't have to be so tiresome afterall.

"He smells like a wet goat"

A special shout out tonight to all the presidents of the past. Were it not for you today would have no been Presidents Day. Presidents Day means NO SCHOOL.

So yeah I thought that was gonna be hellish... Stinky home all day and then add his two best friends to the equation PLUS the dinosaur museum... But actually it was an amazing day... Today was a reminder of how wonderful kids are. I would like this time to share a few moments with you-

(said to me about Stinky)- "He smells like a wet goat." - Lil L (age 5) (how do you NOT laugh at that statement)

Walking to the bus stop practicing dinosaur roars the three boys made a tourist jump from shock as they imitated a "sky back" (pterodactyl), a T-Rex and a Brontosaurus.

At one point I had two 5 year olds and a 6 year old protect me from GIANT bugs (so they were robots but hey still scary) LOL

SO on another note about my interesting day... The following occurred on my last survey of the night at work.

Caller: Do you share this information with the government?
ME: no Ma'am I don't believe we do.
Caller: good... Cause they are watching me, ever since I ended up on a mailing list to impeach Bush. They re watching you too.
ME: Well... I'll keep that in mind... Um.... Thank you for your time tonight.

This appeared to be a TOTALLY sane person before that conversation... Also she claims to live on one of the most swanky streets in Chicago, but makes less than $30,000..... hmmmm

So I leave you all with this.... THEY ARE WATCHING YOU!

Not Sure.

So i'm not sure what this will end up being about all i know is that i no longer want distrust to be my top post.

i moved to chicago almost 2 years ago. for what i thought to be a meaningful relationship...

well lets just say that in the end the only thing meaningful about it was Chicago. I subsequently look at my relationship follys. And i think of Punk Ass

Our story in remarkable simply in the fact that you cant make shit like that up.

She is the one that i threw shoes at. We screamed. We made many stupid decisions. We danced like only lovers can. and We Dreamed...

I met Punk Ass online. and in the true spirit of the insane bohemia i was living in at the time she came to minnesota in the drop of a hat. It was only after she was here that we realized we had HARD core been checking each other out at the bar when she used to live here with her ex (prior to our relationship she was reffered to by me and my sister as Visor Girl)

Punk Ass... We have never been far apart since we broke up. No matter how many miles and hours between us.

Punk Ass is one of the few things i actually do regret. But not her... Never her. But the actions. The situation. I look at her and i see what could have been my future, had i been a little smarter, a little more ok, a little less bohemian and not my sisters sister.

But you live and you learn. And some point soon. I will board a plane, and i will be holding Punk Ass's hand again. even if only for the moment...

On that note- A special shout out to Punk Ass- 10 of cups.

Distrust.

So. Today is a change. I don't feel much like blogging about the funny things. and thats ok. Cause this is my space.

Today is one of those days where i realize that there are so many levels of me that at times with out actually knowing me, this is tough to comprehend.

I found out something very heartbreaking last night. I found out that someone that i care for deeply has been lieing to me to protect me. or perhaps to protect herself. Either way. when i learned the truth it hurt so desperately.

See my ex has a new girlfriend... I should be happy right? no. we broke upunder the pretenses that she loved me but needed to work on herself. couldn't be in a relationship. Yet here we are 2 and a half months later.

I am angry. Infuriated. I have removed her entirely from my life.

Besides hating the thought of her with someone else, actually probably more than that, i am plaugued by the idea of WHATS WRONG WITH ME? What does this girl have that i dont? Did all the late nights and hand holding and being there for you mean NOTHING? Was it all a lie?

yes not every part of me is cool and confident. I too am human.

and today I hurt.

Please understand that this is not up for dicussion. I am ignoring the fact. Except in my own dark little space.